


My dirty little secret

by SasuNarufan13



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1st POV (Sirius), Angst, Lime, M/M, More molesting without Harry knowing it, Non fluffy ending, Noncon situations, Not outright rape, So pay attention to the warning, Switching between present and past time, some voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 16:00:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/941844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SasuNarufan13/pseuds/SasuNarufan13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius has a dirty little secret: he's in love with Harry. Unfortunately, he can't fully act on his feelings, but this doesn't stop from sneaking in Harry's room in the night...</p>
            </blockquote>





	My dirty little secret

**Author's Note:**

> As you have noticed in the tags, this is a onesided Sirius/Harry fic where Sirius takes things too far during the night. There isn't any explicit rape, but Sirius does touch Harry without the latter knowing about it. Even after all this time, I still don't know how to feel about this fic, but well ... *shrugs*  
> This is again edited by myself so I apologize for any mistakes left behind.
> 
> Pay attention to the warnings please, because this is not a lighthearted fic
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling owns it

**My dirty little secret**

Everyone has secrets. Even the most saint like people. Some secrets are harmless, like saying you're on a diet, but secretly you're still eating cookies. But there are secrets so dark, nobody can ever know about them. Not even your family or your lover. Or in this case: your godson. Because this type of secret shouldn't even exist. What's this big secret, you ask? Well, seeing as I'm already going to hell, I figure I can tell you my secret. Just keep your mouth shut about it, okay? If anyone ever hears about this, I'll be killed faster than I can say 'Oh shit'. You promise not to tell? Good. I'm keeping you to that promise.

Well, I think I should start with saying who I am. I'm Sirius Black. Ex – convict, wizard, a Marauder and the godfather of the famous Harry Potter. Originally I was on the run for three years and I had to hide in my lovely childhood home (note: I'm being sarcastic now). That is until Harry managed to vanquish Voldemort forever. And he was barely sixteen! After that, Harry and Remus managed to give me a fair trial. They testified for me, together with others of the Order of the Phoenix and managed to set me free. From that moment on, I was a free man. I got back all my rights and a sum of 50 000 Galleons to keep me from prosecuting the Ministry.

Since the war had ended, Remus and I decided to completely redecorate Grimmauld Place. If I say so myself, we did a pretty damn good job with it. That just left us with one other thing to do: getting custody over Harry. When I met him in his third year, I promised him I would give him a real home as soon as I could afford it. I'm a man who always keeps his promises. After the redecorating, we went back to the Ministry and demanded to give us the custody over Harry. They weren't very willing, but the Black name still had power and with a few well placed threats, I and Remus got the custody and a day later, Harry was living with us. I never forget how his face lit up with happiness when we told him he would get to live with us for the rest of his life. He beamed and his happiness could light up an entire house.

What? You want to know what my secret is? Be fucking patient, will you? I'm getting to it. Anyway, at first nothing happened out of the ordinary. Harry went back to school for his seventh year and Remus and I continued to live together. Every vacation Harry would come home and we would amuse ourselves greatly. We were the perfect family. That is until Harry graduated. He hadn't made up his mind about what he would do next, so he timidly asked us if it was okay if he lived with us for a little while longer. We almost hugged him to death after that silly question and assured him we would love it if he stayed. After all, he was family. Yes, we were the perfect family. Too bad I couldn't stay with my role as parental figure. You see, Harry had grown from a little, scrawny looking thirteen year old kid to a handsome, drop dead gorgeous and sexy seventeen year old. He had finally gotten rid from his glasses and you could now clearly see his shining emerald eyes. With his wild black hair, fantastic abs and tanned skin, he was the most perfect looking man I'd ever seen. And I had grown up with his father!

It all started really innocent. I paid more attention to how his eyes that shone like diamond when he laughed; I noticed the peaceful look he got when he sat in the garden reading a book (a trait he had picked up from Moony, who joined him often); how his skin would glisten in the sunlight when he came out of the pool we had let build in our garden; how he would rank his hand through his hair if he got irritated; his frustration when he burned another letter from a fan who wanted to be his girlfriend…  
All the little things, you could say. At first, I wasn't aware of what I did. I mean, I was only looking after him like a godfather should, right? But the night I had my first wet dream about him (and Merlin, was that dream fucking hot!), I realized there was something wrong with me. It wasn't normal for a godfather to have wet dreams about his godson, that I was sure about.

I tried to forget it, I really tried! But almost every night, I would dream about all those wicked and sinful things I could do to Harry. It really didn't help that Harry mostly walked around half naked during the day, because it was unbelievably hot that summer. That only fueled my dreams at night. It got to the point I couldn't even deny and suppress these lustful feelings. Yes, I had finally admitted I lusted after Harry. I tried my best to not let it show. I knew Remus would be disgusted if he ever knew I lusted after my own godson – his cub – and Harry would probably be disgusted too. I don't think he would be happy to hear he played the star role in my wet dreams – and my wanking sessions. Yeah, I'm that depraved that I would wank with an image of Harry in my head. Let me tell you, I'd never know I could get that creative with positions!

Don't think I only had sexual feelings for Harry! No, I began to love him in the more romantical sense too. Where my feeling were at first almost parental, they were now more of the sense of a lover. I wished all the time I could act on those feelings. I knew I could make Harry happy. I would give him all the love he deserved and show him how desired he was. But I couldn't. Not only because it was unacceptable that a godfather was in love with his godson, not only because I was almost twenty years older, but because I knew Harry would never see me in that way. For him, I would just be Sirius, his godfather who he had fun with and with whom he lived together. Needless to say, those thoughts made me at times pretty depressed.

Sometimes, I had the feeling Remus knew about my feelings. When I would give Harry a hug or when I would laugh with him, Remus would get this pensive look in his eyes that told me he suspected something. But so far, he hadn't said anything or had cursed me, so I took that as a sign he hadn't figured it out yet.

This is my dirty little secret, you ask? No, of course not, although it's not an innocent secret either. I think I'm ready to tell you my real dirty secret.

Since a few weeks, I always wake up at night with an annoying raging one. Most of the nights I take care of that with my own hands. Until that one night Remus had to get away because of the full moon. Originally I would have joined him, but he forbade me from leaving the house, seeing as I seemed 'feverish' and he didn't want me to get sick. Never mind that it was nearly 42° Celsius (107, 6° Fahrenheit) and that everyone was feeling hot. So, that evening, Harry had a good time teasing me with my 'house arrest' and I went pouting to sleep.  
As expected I woke that night with an erection that almost hurt. I was just planning to use my hand – again – when an idea suddenly entered my mind. It was dangerous, it was not ethical and if someone knew about it, I would get hexed to death. What my idea was, you ask? Simple. I thought of sneaking into Harry's room before taking care of my 'problem'. You see, I never had seen Harry in person when I relieved myself and to be honest, I was curious. It was a disgusting thought: me wanking off in the same room as Harry who slept, but it was… exciting all the same. I tried to stop myself, I reasoned with myself it was wrong, but in the end my arousal won the battle with my mind. Maybe I could have stopped myself with the knowledge Remus would hear and smell what happened, but Remus wasn't here now… I was free to do what I wanted.

So I sneaked out of my room and padded silently to Harry's room. The door didn't make a sound when I opened it, for which I was grateful, and I crept into his room. The curtains were half drawn and the pale moon light (in his own way also a curse for me, because it was the moon's fault I was going through with my disgusting and sick plan) shone on Harry's body. Harry himself was fast asleep. Through the night, he had kicked his sheet down to his waist and one of his legs was twisted into the sheet while the other had freed himself. I noticed another thing about my godson: he wore only boxer shorts when he slept.

I was entranced with his golden chest and his abs and slowly, I sat on the chair near his bed. For one brief moment, I wanted to rush back to my bed and forget what nearly happened. But in the end my arousal once again won.

Slowly, I undid the strings of my sweatpants (yes, I wear those to bed) and lifted my hips a bit to shift the clothing over my hips. My erection sprang free and I immediately wrapped my hand around it. My hand began to slowly move up and down, while my eyes never left Harry's body. My mind produced me with images of a naked Harry wrapping his long legs around my waist and begging me to fuck him. I bit on my lip to stifle my groans; it wouldn't do to wake Harry up. My breath came out in soft pants and I increased my speed. Then, after just five minutes, I came, clamping my hand over my mouth to keep me from shouting. The next three minutes I spent panting and careful checking that Harry didn't woke up. Throughout my wanking session, Harry never woke up.

I pulled my sweatpants back on and tiptoed out of the room, even though I was pretty tired and wanted nothing more than to just crash where I stood. Somehow I made it back to my bed and I fell into it, almost immediately falling asleep.

* * *

It wasn't until the next morning that the guilt hit me like a Bludger. I had masturbated while I was sitting in Harry's room, next to him. I groaned and clapped a hand over my face. How could I face Harry now? And Remus? Oh Merlin, he would smell it on me!

With that thought, I quickly jumped into the shower and proceeded to scrub myself, in hopes I could wash the smell of my arousal away.

I almost tripped in my haste to dress myself when I heard Remus' voice calling, "Sirius, breakfast is ready! Get your lazy arse out of bed!"

I yanked the door open and glared at him. "I'm not lazy!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Of course not. Now, come on. Harry made blueberry pancakes."

I blinked. "Why?"

Remus pursed his lips. "Because apparently, I shouldn't stress myself with making breakfast, because it was a full moon last night. I swear that kid is as bad as his mother."

I chuckled, remembering the moments where Lily almost stuffed the pancakes down Remus' throat after a full moon, claiming he should rest for the day. Apparently Harry had his worry intendancies inherited from his mother.

"Remus, Sirius, get your lazy arses into the kitchen! The pancakes are getting cold," Harry shouted from downstairs.

"We're coming, mother!" Remus shouted sarcastically back.

"Careful, Remus, or you're getting dog food!" Harry shouted back.

"You wouldn't dare," Remus narrowed his eyes.

"Don't test me, Remus John Lupin. Now get your arse back in here!"

We heard him walking back to the kitchen.

"Think he's serious about the dog food?" Remus asked concerned.

"No, I am," I said, joking.

"Lame, Padfoot, very lame." Remus rolled his eyes, grabbed my arm and dragged me downstairs, where we saw Harry stirring in a pan, his cell phone (a convenient Muggle invention, although I would never use it) pressed against his ear.

"Hermione, Ron's just being a jerk. You should be used to it, by now," Harry sighed.

Ah, it was trouble in paradise for Ron and Hermione – again.

"Like you said in our fifth year, Ron has the emotional span of a tea spoon. And he's as dense as you can be in these situations. Give him some time; he will eventually pop the question. If you want, I can force him into it," Harry offered with a grin. He saw us and waved his hand to the table where a plate full of blueberry pancakes stood.

Hermione said something and Harry clucked his tongue. "Too bad, I think Draco would love to have a talk with Ron. He's still irritated that I separated him from Ron the other day. The stubborn arse," Harry muttered.

Oh yeah, I suppose I didn't tell you everything, right? Well, after the fall of dear old Voldie, Harry called a truce with Draco Malfoy. Now they were almost best friends.

"Anyway, I see you tomorrow, okay? Dray will be coming too. He said he doesn't trust me alone in a shop," Harry pouted. Then he narrowed his eyes. "You're supposed to be on my side, 'Mione, not on his."

She said something, at which Harry huffed. "Yeah, yeah, see you tomorrow." He hung up.

"Are you going shopping?" Remus asked curiously.

Harry nodded. "Yeah, Draco insists on dressing me up like some kind of life size doll. I swear he's gay. He just won't admit it."

I chuckled.

* * *

Yes, in daylight I was the perfect godfather. But at night, I was a perverted man who got off at seeing his godson sleep. Now if only it stayed to watching, I could maybe justify myself. Maybe I could say that what I did wasn't so bad. Unfortunately I didn't stop at just watching.

It was a couple of months later. It was November and Remus had once again left for the full moon. This time it was I who said I wasn't feeling well. And Remus, being the best friend, was concerned for me and after tucking me in bed (that guy has some great mother hen complex, I tell you!), he left.

I waited until after midnight and made sure Harry was fast asleep by the time I went to his room. Even if I could only come into his room a few nights in the month, I knew by now Harry was a fast sleeper who wouldn't wake up quickly.

Like all the other nights, I stationed myself at the chair next to his bed. I spit on my hand and began pumping myself, when suddenly the urge to… touch Harry fired up in me. I wanted to feel his soft skin underneath my fingertips; I wanted to feel his breath on my hand… I tried to squish down the urge, knowing this went too far, but Harry was just so irresistible…

As if it acted on his own, my hand crept forward and lightly skimmed over Harry's clothed stomach. It was a cold night, so he was dressed in a shirt and long pants. I held my breath when Harry suddenly shifted, but he didn't wake up. He just rolled his face towards me, completely unaware of the hand that was on his stomach.

At first, I stroked lightly over his stomach while I lazily pumped myself, but after a while I grew bolder and I pushed the fabric up, so I could touch his stomach. My fingertips trailed softly over his skin and made patterns; all the while, my eyes stayed fixed on his face.

My hand went up to stroke his chest. When I brushed against his nipple, I got a reaction from him. I was startled when Harry softly moaned. I looked sharply at his face, but he didn't show any signs of waking up, so I continued with stroking, now encouraged by his sighs and moans.

I buried my head in his mattress when I came, groaning lowly.

I cleaned myself up and pushed the shirt back down, before creeping out of his room. I'm ashamed to admit that the guilt never came back.

* * *

This continued for some months, in which I every time grew bolder and touched Harry more and more. In the end, I even pleasured him in his sleep, not caring that I practically sexually assaulted Harry. In my defense, you couldn't speak of sexual assaulting if the person was enjoying it himself.

* * *

But then came the moment my world crashed down. It was the summer when Harry had turned nineteen. He had told us to meet him in Diagon Ally in the restaurant 'LaBelle' because he had to tell us something.

So that evening, we went to the restaurant, where we were greeted by a blushing and smiling Harry.

"Well, Harry, what's the big news?" I asked when we were all seated.

He blushed more. "Well," he started awkwardly and scratched his head in the way that told me he was nervous, "Eh, I'm seeing someone," he then blurted out.

Remus and I blinked. Well, that was… unexpected.

"Congratulations, Harry, who's the lucky one?" Remus asked excitedly, happy his cub had finally found someone.

"Well ..."

"Hey, baby, sorry I'm late. Blaise wanted to talk to me about his case." Suddenly, the one person I would never have thought would win Harry's heart kissed Harry on his lips, before he looked at us.

Draco Malfoy.

I stared in shock at him. No way. Draco Malfoy was the one Harry was seeing? It couldn't be.

Harry blushed and smiled. "Don't worry, you're not too late."

"Good, because I don't want to spend the night on the couch," Draco teased him and took a seat next to Harry.

Harry blushed harder and wacked his arm. "Behave," he hissed.

"So, you're… Harry's boyfriend," Remus said, clearing his throat. Well, at least I wasn't the only one who was surprised with the news.

"Yeah, we're seeing each other for a couple of months now." Harry cleared his throat too, clearly uncomfortable. "Eh, you don't mind, do you?" he asked timidly.

"Mind? Of course not! We're happy you finally found someone!" Remus grinned and elbowed me in my waist. "Aren't we, Padfoot?" His eyes saying they would let me suffer if I dared to say otherwise.

I managed to grin. "Yeah, congratulations, Harry! I'm happy for you!"

Harry sighed relieved and grinned back.

Throughout the dinner, my stomach was twisted in knots. Harry was seeing Draco. He was probably having sex with him; I felt sick.

Of course I should have known Harry would eventually find someone to spend his life with. But somehow, my brain had let me believe I could have Harry all to myself for the rest of my life. Never had I envisioned I would lose Harry to someone else. Of course, I couldn't really lose him, right? After all, I never really had him. Still, it hurt to see Harry so happy with someone else. Someone who wasn't me. Someone who never would be me.

That night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in my life.

* * *

Still, the knowledge Harry was seeing someone didn't stop me from visiting him at night. It was at that time I discovered something about myself: I was insanely possessive and jealous.

I had pushed his shirt up again to touch his stomach when I noticed a dark spot on his hip. I inspected it closer and realized it was a hickey. A hickey Malfoy had placed there.

To say I was angry would be an understatement; I was furious as hell. Nobody – especially not that slimy, Harry-stealing Slytherin – was allowed to mark Harry.

I was so furious that I brought my head down to his stomach and sucked his skin between my teeth.

Harry groaned and shifted when he felt my teeth, but he didn't wake up. I released his skin and admired my own mark adoring his stomach. That night I first went down on Harry, determined to leave my mark all over him.

* * *

One year later, Harry announced he was marrying Draco in the fall. I destroyed my room out of anger and didn't speak to Remus or Harry for three days straight. I felt like Harry had betrayed me. He was supposed to stay with me, to only love me.

Instead he was planning his wedding and didn't notice I had started to avoid him. Some godson he was.

Remus, on the other hand, had noticed I avoided Harry and cornered me one day, demanding answers, which I didn't give. I was left alone, sulking. I had never felt so alone in my life.

* * *

It was a week before Harry's wedding when Remus discovered a bit of my secret. Luckily for me, he didn't discover my real dirty secret.

I was sitting in the garden, staring at nothing in particular, when Remus sat down next to me.

"You love him, do you?" Remus asked softly, looking at me.

"Of course I love him, he's my godson," I mumbled, refusing to look back.

Remus sighed. "That was not what I meant and you know it, Padfoot. I know you love him more than as a godson alone."

I gulped, but stayed silent.

"You know it isn't right; you know that right?"

I nodded, staring at the ground.

He laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. "I'm sorry, Padfoot, but I'm sure these feelings you have for him will go away. Give it some time. In the meantime, don't shut Harry out. He's worried about you. He wants you there to walk him down the aisle. Can you do that?"

I didn't trust my voice, so I nodded again.

"It will all be all right, you'll see."

I just wanted him gone. Luckily, Remus understood that without me saying anything, so he left to go back to the kitchen.

I buried my face in my knees and cried. No, it would never be all right. I would love Harry forever, even if it wasn't right. But for his sake, I would walk him down the aisle and give him up to Malfoy.

After all, you would do anything for the one you loved, right?


End file.
